"It
is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument."--William Gibbs
McAdoo
There is
one thing emotionally intelligent people really understand that a lot of people
do not, and it is this: life is too short to engage in any form of fruitless arguments.
If you think carefully about it, you will realize that most of our arguments
fall into that category. And with this understanding, people with high
emotional quotient conduct their affairs differently from the way many of us
do.
In order to
encourage us to think and act like people with high EQ, I have decided to write
this article to express a decent way to handle discussions including—or especially—the
sensitive ones, both at home and in business.
On that, I
have consulted the work of Dale Carnegie, the author of, “How to Win Friends
and Influence People." Evidently, Carnegie was one of the best masters on positively
influencing people. In the book, he gives us many tips on how to relate and
work well with others. Out of those priceless gems, I want to borrow just two rules
for the purpose of this topic.
And they
are:
Rule One: "The only way to get the best of an
argument is to avoid it."
Rule Two: “The best argument is that which seems merely
an explanation.”
Now let’s
examine them in broader details.
Rule One: Avoid Arguments
Make it a personal
rule to never, ever argue with anyone. If you consider the fact that arguments
are rarely fruitful, and sometimes they can degenerate into very costly
distractions, this idea makes sense. With that in mind, I think, a more matured
way to engage in conversations is to present your views; state what you know
with sincerity for the purpose of true enlightenment. And if another person
shows up with something better than what you stated; be humble, acknowledge the
truth and salute the other person for his or her superior understanding. Don’t
be the unreasonable one—never argue!
But if
another person fiercely opposes you with a full load of baloney— and let’s be
honest here, sometimes it is obvious what nonsense is, even to the stubborn “nonsense”
peddler— remember rule one at once and merely smile and let things be. Just
hope in your mind that he thinks again by himself to comprehend what he must have
missed. You can’t force anyone to do this—it is an inside job.
Subdue your
ego and never argue; know that you can’t win an argument with obstinate folks.
You will only waste your time in unproductive discussions. This is why the
British writer and Prime Minister, Benjamin Disraeli said, “Never argue. In society nothing must be; give only results. If any
person differs from you, bow, and turn the conversation."
Rule Two: Be Constructive and Tactful
Joseph
Grenny, the New York Times bestselling author of “Crucial Conversations” and
the cofounder of VitalSmarts says that our ability to manage moments of
conflict determines to a great extent, our maturity and the level of respect we
can earn from other people. This is a big deal to truly successful individuals.
Grenny says:
“Conflict typically
boils down to crucial conversations—moments when the stakes are high, emotions
run strong and opinions differ. And you cannot master crucial
conversations without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).”
And here is
where the second rule of civility comes in. Even though, we have decided never
to argue, yes. But in the real world, some situations will drag us right into
the center of tension for a while, before we can consciously call ourselves back
to order. Practically, those are the moments you need to apply rule two quite tactfully.
You do that
by simply presenting again and again, a constructive and humble explanation of
your position to calm tension and let the other parties feel appeased. In that
way, you can create serenity in the hall, and likely earn the respect of other
people. On this, the wise Benjamin Franklin, one of the Founding Fathers of United States said:
“Those disputing, contradicting, and confuting people are generally unfortunate
in their affairs. They get victory, sometimes, but they never get good will,
which would be of more use to them.”
In
Conclusion
When you apply these
two rules of engagement with people in day-to-day living, you will literally
take on a new identity. You will become someone who is always dealing with
people by looking at things from their own points of view; someone who is always
willing to keep quiet for the sake of decency, even when you know you are
right.
You will become
someone who is always willing to let people win, even when they have irrationally
played to lose; someone who understands well the advice of Marcus Aurelius, and
uses it daily in all his or her relationships.
And the counsel of the last of the good Roman emperors was: "Waste no more
time arguing about what a good man should be. Be
one."
