RESPONSIBILITY: WHENEVER SOMETHING YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH GOES WRONG, CHOOSE TO BLAME NO ONE.

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you.”—Wayne Dyer

Blame is said to be inappropriate no matter how justified we may feel. 

And now, the American self-help author and motivational speaker, Wayne Dyer is also confirming the futility of blame-game with the assertion that, “All blame is a waste of time.”

Let’s think a little to verify the truth in that statement now. 

If we spend 10 minutes to argue and blame one another over an error, what will we truly achieve, if no one decides to take responsibility?

You guessed it, resentment! Each party will feel stronger in his/her justification while strongly resenting the blaming by another.

So by blaming others, we fail to find the real solutions to the problem and subsequently unable to carry out our own responsibilities. To save ourselves from such consequences, it will be wise to remember the words of Lous Nizer, when he said, “When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.”

The point here is that, whatever the other people’s failings might be, we should choose to shoulder the responsibility; and once we do it readily, we are in a position to make the most of the situation. Because we have placed ourselves in the driver’s seat; we are now in control. Consider the example of Robert Lee…

EXAMPLE OF ROBERT LEE

Robert Edward Lee was an American General known for commanding the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia in the American Civil War from 1862 until his surrender in 1865. One of his battles—Pickett's Charge— was a colossal failure, and Lee took full responsibility for the defeat. 

Choosing to ignore all the lapses of some of his generals which evidently led to their failure, he wrote the Confederate President Jefferson Davis— only— to tender his resignation. As the captain of the ship, he chose to solely go down for his entire team.

Lee understood the meaning of leadership; that, it is never about making excuses, but it is about accepting complete responsibility, for all outcomes, whether positive or negative. Remarkable leaders are willing to assume responsibility for the mistakes and failings of their followers.

ACCEPT 100 PERCENT RESPONSIBLITY

Like General Lee, successful people accept full responsibility for what they say, what they do and how they respond to what was done to them.  Hence they are able to stay in control of their lives at all times, especially the bad times.

Until we appreciate the value of being in control, we will always blame someone or something else for whatever goes wrong in our lives.  And unless we adopt the attitude of leadership, it will be very difficult to learn and grow from our experiences.

Accepting 100 percent responsibility for everything is the best way to move ahead in life. To not accept full responsibility is to only criticize others, and to make excuses; none of which really makes us better in the end.

To grow, we must choose to respond positively in all situations and circumstances we experience in life; whether joyful or sad, whether good or bad, whether beneficial or harmful. 

Not easy for sure, but that is what it takes reach our full potential.

HOW TO BLAME NO ONE

In a moment of reflection on the words of John Maxwell that, “The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes." I drafted the following list to guide me in this character building practice of always holding myself responsible and blaming no one , even when it is easier not to. 

By sharing it here, I hope someone may take it further in practice. 

No Blame Guide

Blame no one for selfishly protecting themselves.

Blame no one for trying to outmatch you.

Blame no one for their self-preservation tendencies—it’s human.

Blame no one for defrauding you.

Blame no one for seeking to undermine you.

Blame no one for being different.

Blame no one for being human—being weak.

But….

….hold yourself responsible for….

…keeping your guard and for letting it down.

Obviously, one can sometimes find oneself in an unpleasant situation as a result of what another person did or did not do in relation to one. But it will become really unpleasant, the moment one surrenders control. The issue now will not only be the loss but also an unbridled fret.

That’s why it is smart to assume control by choosing the attitude of …..

Whatever happens, I hold the emotional power.  I am responsible for what I did, didn’t do, and how I respond to what was done to me. 

So from now on, say, whatever happens, it is my fault!

And yes, it is. Even when it is apparently not. This is the sublime attitude of all greats. If you disagree, listen to Richard Bach, the author of many best-selling books, including

Illusions, on what he has to tell us regarding full responsibility.

Bach said, “If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.”

Tell me, who truly likes to be a victim? And, I don’t think you are.

If that is the case, from today, hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. 

Choose to accept what you can’t change, improve what you can and blame no one.

OSEOLA McCarty: HER DILIGENCE, FRUGALITY AND GENEROSITY.

“Being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know.”— Charles Kingsley

Diligence, frugality and generosity are fine qualities that most people will like to have. And some people are fortunate enough to have the three in relative abundance; Oseola McCarty is one of those people.

In her own way, she a made a meaningful contribution to the society; then her country and global organizations honoured her for it.

Most writers were fascinated by her extreme generosity; I am as interested in her diligence and frugality, as they were in her philanthropy. As a result, I have divided my writing into segments to cover the three character strengths of this remarkable woman.

And now we will start with the one that the generous  woman  began  her journey  with ; the virtue of diligence.

DILIGENCE

“What we hope to do with ease we must learn first to do with  diligence.”—Samuel Johnson

With her single-minded devotion to work, she embodied a sense of duty that has a lot to teach the youth of today who are so used to taking things for granted and expecting everything to be easy.

In your work, think about amount of time and energy you are investing. Imagine that you started to work as a teenager and you remained devoted to your work for more than seventy years. Think that you only slept for few hours daily, and gave up all the rest of your personal time to get more work done. 

Imagine that you lived your entire life serving the needs of others with almost no time off to pursue the personal indulgencies considered by many to be necessary.

Can you imagine any real life like that? Well, that’s practically how McCarty lived. 

And that’s why I—like many other writers— am writing about her today. To teach and to learn from her story the meaning of extra-ordinary work ethic. She led a disciplined, frugal life of solitude, devoted largely to her work and she learned responsibility at an age when her mates were still considered kids.

For someone who began to work full time at the age of twelve and who continued doing the work for more than seventy years. Oseola McCarty  definitely knew the meaning of diligence and responsibility.

McCarty herself put it this way:  “I knew there were people who didn’t have to work as hard as I did, but it didn’t make me feel sad. I loved to work, and when you love to do anything, those things don’t bother you. . . Sometimes I worked straight through two or three days. I had goals I was working toward. That motivated me and I was able to push hard. . . . Work is a blessing. As long as I am living I want to be working at something. ”

Her level of work ethic is what J. C. Penny defined as intelligence; which is, doing quality work that gives dignity to your job, whether it is scrubbing a floor or running a corporation, and many of her customers appreciated her so much for that.

“Hard work gives your life meaning,” stated McCarty. “Everyone needs to work hard at something to feel good about themselves. Every job can be done well and every day has its satisfactions. . . . If you want to feel proud of yourself, you’ve got to do things you can be proud of.”

FRUGALITY

“I hold it the duty of the executive to insist upon frugality in the expenditure, and a sparing economy is itself a great national source.” Andrew Johnson

She spent almost nothing, living in her old family home so that almost every dollar could go into the bank for what was to become her greatest legacy.

Oseola McCarty had strong character and good habits. She chose to live frugally, walking almost everywhere, never buying newspaper saved every penny in the bank.

“I commenced {early} to save money. I never would take any of it out. I just put it in….Of course that requires self-control and modest appetites. My secret was contentment. I was happy with what I had,” said McCarty.

 As with persons of her type, she maintained the few things she had, never succumbing to buying more on impulse. 

If we would learn from her and take better care of the things we have, we can get better utility from them.As opposed to popular consumerism culture that is keeping us ridiculously indebted today.

Just like Benjamin Franklin wisely said, “Without industry and frugality, nothing will do, and with them everything.”

GENEROSITY

“That's what I consider true generosity: You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.”—Simone de Beauvoir

As difficult and lonely life was to Oseola, she never complained about her life. She regarded her work as a blessing, spending her free time to nurture her spirit. And as already stated she saved almost everything she earned, week by week until she retired.

And surprisingly, she decided to give almost everything away—to prevent needy youths from experiencing the hardships and struggles she went through in life.

She turned almost her entire life savings — about $150,000 —  into an irrevocable trust assigned to the University of Southern Mississippi  to provide scholarships for needy students.  

Her uncommon generosity inspired a capital fund campaign that raised an additional amount well beyond  $350,000 for Oseola McCarty Scholarships. As a result, the school presents several full-tuition scholarships in her name, year by year to help deserving students.

 Though, her act of giving brought McCarty a great deal of notoriety, including the Presidential Citizens Medal, the Wallenberg Humanitarian Award and the Avicenna Medal from UNESCO; She refused the university’s offer to name a building or create a statue in her honour.

She did not allow fame to change her, and she refused offers from those who wanted to give her a more prosperous life. “I live where I want to live and I live the way I want to live,” she said.

She and Ted Turner, founder of CNN, once shared a stage in Atlanta. Turner who had recently given a billion dollars to the United Nations, said, “I admire Oseola McCarty. She gave away her entire life savings. She did more than I did. I just gave away one third— I’ve still got about $2 billion left. She’s the one who really deserves the credit.”

Quite accurately, Charles Kingsley hit it right when he said that being forced to work will breed in us, a hundred of virtues which idle hand will never know and McCarty is a practical demonstration of that insight. 

She is now fondly remembered as one of the most generous people of her generation.

LEARN TO CEASE THE INSIDIOUS HABIT OF GOSSIP

“In our appetite for gossip, we tend to gobble down everything before us, only to find, too late, that it is our ideals we have consumed, and we have not been enlarged by the feasts but only diminished.”—  Pico Iyer

How we live, whether right or wrong, good or bad, large or small manifests in our behavior which, with enough repetition crystallizes into a habit and will, if not changed, subsequently form our character identity and eventually our destiny.

So it is important to examine our established behaviours and take a step to change the unwholesome kinds to better habits in all aspects of our lives. That is why the classical Greek, Athenian scholar, Socrates counseled that, “We can’t live better than in seeking to become better.”

One of such behaviours we need to be careful about is gossip; which is: “A conversation about the personal details of other people's lives, whether rumor or fact, especially when malicious,” according to Encarta dictionary.

Some people may consider gossip a trivial matter that shouldn’t mean much in a circle of serious self-improvement. But I hope to convince you by the end of this article how serious and damaging gossip can be, not only to its victims but even to the gossipers themselves. 

The habit of gossip is not harmless, though it may appear so and that is why it is insidious. It diverts our attention from dealing with our personal problems into verbal and artificial correction of other people’s blunders.

I try to guard myself against this subtle human flaw; I hope you will strive to do even better after knowing the full nature of this invisible foe.

The most detailed and accurate description of gossip I have ever come across was a poem written by an American columnist with the pen name, Abigail Van Buren, popularly addressed as “Dear Abby.” The poem was so good that it made its first appearance on The Wall Street Journal. Here it is:

“My name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice. I maim without killing. 

I break hearts and ruin lives. I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age. 

The more I am quoted, the more I am believed. My victims are helpless. 

They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face. 

To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become. 

I am nobody’s friend. Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same. 

I topple governments and wreck marriages. I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion. 

I make innocent people cry in their pillows. Even my name hisses. I am called Gossip.

I make headlines and headaches. Before you repeat a story, ask yourself: 

Is it true? Is it harmless? Is it necessary? If it isn’t, don’t repeat it.”

WAY FORWARD: DECIDE TO ALWAYS MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

“Refusing to gossip is a beautiful decision to make.” –Lysa TerKeurst

With the above explicit poem on gossip, it should be clear why it is necessary to make a decision not to poison your mind and defile your tongue with other people’s mess-ups—some of which may be a complete lie. 

Dr. David Schwartz explains in his book, Magic of Thinking Big, how every negative conversation is a “dose of poison” for the mind that is serious about success and progress in life. 

Schwartz also said it is a habit of small thinkers, and Eleanor Roosevelt agreed by saying, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

To raise ourselves above the average of ethics, we must eschew gossip as much as possible. And the simplest way to do that, is to ask ourselves this question, whenever we are tempted:

Does this really concern me? 

If the answer is no, then we should bluntly disengage and put our personal resources—our thoughts, time and focus— to better use; on the things that can make our life better, going forward.

To develop this new habit of intentional living, we should keep close to our heart the words of the Greek stoic philosopher, Epictetus quoted below to subdue allure of gossip, every single time. He said:

“Don’t ever speak of bad or harm on anything that is not your responsibility.”

Obviously, that applies to anyone as well. 

In short, restrain your tongue when it comes to talking wantonly about the negative affairs of other people, even when you know it is true. That is an element of strong character, if you dare.